It begins with a conversation.
Parents of Neurodiverse children can be reluctant to have a sit-down with their child about their diagnosis. Parents often worry that their children will use the information as an avoidance strategy for tasks they don’t prefer. There’s also fear that their child will internalize negative ideas about themselves.
However, empowering children with knowledge about their diagnosis allows them to have a better understanding of their capabilities, sensitivities, challenges, and needs. Without knowing what support they require, children are less able to make good decisions, advocate for themselves, or even keep themselves safe. If your child didn’t know they were allergic to dairy for instance, they might head right for the cheese, chocolate etc.
When a child is asking why they’re different, it’s time to start talking about it.
Children can tell when they are somehow different from their peers. If they don’t know the underlying reasons for this, they may come up with their own conclusions - both negative and incorrect - for why that might be. When a child is asking why they’re different, why they go to therapists or why they have trouble in certain situations, it’s time to start talking to them about their diagnosis.
While some parents prefer to have a professional explain the diagnosis to their child or to the whole family as a group, you can absolutely have that conversation yourself 1 on 1.
Below are 7 things to keep in mind if you do decide to have that conversation yourself.
1. Understand your child’s diagnosis - and allow yourself to embrace it!
After finding out about your child’s neuro differences, you might experience fear and pessimism about the future. This is understandable, common and absolutely normal! After all, you probably had a different vision for how your family would look and feel, and about how your child would respond to and be received by the world.
Take the time to grieve the loss of the vision you had, which involves allowing yourself to not only experience your deep sadness but also expressing that sadness to a supportive person who will listen to you without judgment. Then, comprehensively educate yourself about your child’s diagnosis. It can be helpful to find first-hand accounts of parents and children going through similar challenges.
2. Normalise differences!
Make a regular practice of pointing out the ways in which the people they know personally are unique individuals. Some examples of differences could be:
- Maybe one sibling loves chocolate, and the other hates it.
- One friend may be great at a certain sport, while another is weaker at it, but has incredible artistic skill.
- A child in their class may have an allergy to peanuts, but no one in your family does.
- One parent may not be bothered by loud noises and cramped spaces and the other can’t think straight unless it’s quiet.
Even someone who has the same diagnosis as your child may have a whole different set of strengths and challenges. The idea here is that difference is just a fact, not a value of judgment.
3. Don't wait until they have a negative experience!
Some children may notice they’re different and have thoughts and questions, but don’t verbalize them - especially if they’re too young to know how to put their thoughts into words!
With younger children, it’s good to give them some information about their challenges before they start seeing themselves as “the one who’s always in trouble” or having thoughts like “no one likes me.”
4. You don’t have to tell them everything at once!
To start, give small chunks of information to your child over several short conversations rather than in one overwhelming lecture.
If a child asks a direct question about their differences, make sure you understand what they’re asking, and what they already know. Before giving an answer, you might ask, “That’s an interesting question! What’s your guess about it?”
Correct any faulty information they have, but try not to overwhelm them. Give only the information they are asking for at that moment and allow them to digest that before giving more. Let them know you’re open to answering any questions they have now and in the future!
5. Define important terms!
Every child is different and will want and need different information at different times.
For some children, you won’t need to use terms like “dysgraphia or dyspraxia”. Sometimes, just talking about strengths and challenges is enough.
Regardless, children will one day need to know definitions of the terms disorder, disease, disability, and difference, and how they do or do not apply to their situation.
6. Make the information personal and meaningful to your child!
Link the discussions to their lived experiences. Talk about situations that are easy for them and situations that are more difficult for them.
Does your child have a strong interest in a certain topic like dinosaurs? Use that! Filter the whole conversation through the lens of dinosaurs, and your child will be more motivated to engage with the information you’re giving them and internalise it.
7. Focus on coping strategies, talents, and well-being!
Your child needs to know that a diagnosis isn’t solely about a cluster of traits that have a label. It’s also about knowing how to best support them to be the best they can be.
Emphasise your child’s unique capabilities and what they can do, rather than only focusing on what’s difficult. And just as it’s important to talk about situations where your child might struggle or excel, it’s also important to talk about situations where their diagnosis makes no difference whatsoever - and make sure to point out your child’s positive qualities that don’t have anything to do with their diagnosis!
While they will have challenges, help your child understand the positives in their unique ways of experiencing and relating to the world.
It all helps them understand themselves better.
Talking to your child about their diagnosis helps them understand themselves, but also other people’s reactions to them.
Neurodevelopmental disorders are often invisible, and people may under and overestimate your child’s capabilities at times. Children who know about their diagnosis can feel empowered, have less confusion about why things don’t always go well, better advocate for themselves, and have higher self-esteem.
Differences make your child brilliant.
While your child will have challenges, you can help them understand the positives in how they experience and relate to the world. Remember, your child is brilliant in their own unique way!
Neurodivergence is only a “deficit” because society has decided that being neurotypical is the “right” way to be. The ultimate message for both you and your child: being different doesn’t mean being “less than”!